Today I am thankful for marriage.

And it is the first time I can say that and truly understand what marriage actually is.  I stand here now looking back on the past 11 years knowing that I looked at marriage as something totally transactional.  Something that made me feel better.  Made me feel loved.  Allowed me to live out my dreams and hopes.  Made me a mom.  Made me feel secure.  The list goes on and on yall!

WOW.  How selfish am I?

While listening to a podcast today from Woodsedge Church Pastor Jeff said “Marriage is SUPPOSED to be a visible display of how Jesus loves us.”  And I had to come and write that one down.  Speaking to my heart Jesus.

Joe and I are supposed to love eachother in a way that reflects how Jesus loves you.  A way that shows off the power of love and what Jesus would do for you.  How he would sacrifice for you.  How he would encourage you.  How he loves you and feels for you. It should be so reflective that it makes you want it…WANT Jesus…NOT what we have.

Have we done that?  Oh sure we have.  We have…by our OWN power…and in front of everyone else…but behind closed doors…well…that WAS a whole other story.  A story of hurt, selfishness, disrespect & ugly words.  REALLY ugly words yall.  So ugly that more than a handful of times I wanted a divorce.  And I spoke it outloud…we argued in front of our kids, we complained to others, we were not at all honorable or truly joyful. And in that, did we really reflect Jesus to any of you?  NO WAY.  thank God Jesus is so much bigger than our sin and selfishness and that there were amazing impacts into loves ONLY by His power and redemption.

So I stand here, totally real, telling you (who actually take the time to read this blog…which is probably no one) that for the past 11 years Joe and I have done marriage on our own power and we have failed MISERABLY.  I now stand here and can finally say that I am daily walking in marriage and finally knowing what that word and those promises actually mean.  Finally doing this under God’s power, not our own.

Did we have to break to get there…I guess so….we were just too dang prideful and that pride manifested itself into crazy ugly ways.  Ways we have finally confessed and found freedom in…well we seek to find freedom in, after all the dust settles and we truly understand God’s true love for us.

So in summary of all that weight I stand here saying that my pride has been stripped.  My disrespect has been laid down.  And my thankfulness for marriage is …. well there truly are no words.